Cruel Kisses: It’s Just High School #2 Read online

  I can’t see properly. I keep screaming and crying the pain won’t stop. It gets worse.

  There’s a hazy, white fog behind my eyelids, calling to me, beckoning for me.

  “Oh my God! What did you do? You hurt her! You hurt my daughter, you son of a bitch! Amy, wake up baby, please!”

  But I can’t wake up, the pain is too much.

  “Sign them!”

  “Okay, I will, but I need to know if she’s still…”

  “I said sign them!”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “And you, there’s a marriage license on that stack, sign it!”

  “What? No!”

  “I’m going to fuck him up! You and I are getting married. Now, sign it.”

  “No! I won’t!”

  Another gust of wind, another split second and I feel it again, this time, the blow is so hard, so painful that I just give in to the hazy white fog behind my eyes.

  1

  Gasping awake, I look around and wonder, my head hurting so bad, I wince at the pain that shoots through my head.

  Who was that incredibly sad little girl? What happened to her? And oh God, why can’t I remember her name?

  There’s something about nightmares that make them seem like they have the ability to bleed into your stream of consciousness, arresting your mind to the point where you feel like you’re drowning in agony, falling to a bottomless pit of nothingness.

  The heaviness in my lungs makes it hard to breathe.

  My body is covered in a sheen of sweat, and as the chilly breeze from the open hotel room window wafts through the room, I’m chilled to the bone.

  I try tossing and turning, desperate for some semblance of warmth, of peace, but I can’t stop shaking.

  I’m half unconscious, half almost screaming from the nightmares and the pressure in my chest that I can’t make stop no matter what I do.

  I try to fight.

  I try to scream.

  I try to kick, clawing at my chest, my nails digging into my flesh, but it does nothing. I feel nothing but more pressure, an acute pain and terror.

  I feel like I keep being dragged down, like someone tied a ball and chain to both my legs and cast the ball to the dark depths of the unknown.

  No!

  I guess this is my punishment for everything I’ve done; being subjected to the dark where I’m barely existing, barely alive, barely breathing through the torment.

  But I didn’t do what I did on purposes. I didn’t choose to be a bitch to people, they provoked me!

  Please, make this stop!

  I toss to the left, biting my tongue to hold off the cry trapped in my chest.

  “Mia, the wages of sin, is death.”

  I freeze as soon as I hear the gloomy echoed voice.

  Mom!

  She used to say that! And now, after killing her, her words are coming to life.

  It’s not every day that you find out that you are the reason behind every shitty thing to ever happen to your family, so it’s not like I have reference points to learn from, but right now, I think the wages of what I did are now being paid in full because right now… I feel like dying.

  I want to die. I want this pain ravaging my insides to stop.

  “Please stop,” I whisper, the desperate cry sounding shrill to my own ears.

  But it doesn’t stop.

  That’s the thing about desperate pleas. They always mock you to your face and make everything worse. Hope never really works with desperation and self-loathing anyway.

  “Mia, do something!”

  “Mia, what did you do?”

  No, no, no…

  Please stop.

  The horrors of what I did echo in the room, the voices and shouts drowning me back into that dark, cold and empty space where I see what I did to Nancy play over and over, like the crime is caught on a loop in my head.

  It’s like there’s a weight pressing down on my chest and throat. I can’t breathe. Can’t move, shackled to a ship that’s drowning into the deepest, murkiest waters and no one will find me.

  I feel so hollow inside, so empty and numb that I can’t think or function properly. All I want to do is curl into myself and disappear.

  But nothing I’ve ever wanted with my entire soul has ever happened.

  Not love and affection.

  Not true friends and happiness.

  It’s all illusive, strange and almost impossible for someone like me.

  I’ve always received what I deserve and right now, I deserve this kind of pain. I deserve feeling this horrible inside with voices rattling in my head. I didn’t know this, until this very moment. The moment where my world collapses without a fight. The moment where everything I thought was true, is a lie and every lie I thought I understood is actually all my fault.

  I did this. I caused all this hell to break loose.

  “Please stop…” I croak, but my voice seems to fade away as my eyes flutter closed until I find some semblance of tranquility.

  But it’s not peace. As my heart starts beating faster like a drumbeat to my destruction, it lulls me into another universe that starts out great, sweet and soft, but it really isn’t.

  I’m in an elegant room, furnished beautifully with chandeliers that sparkle like the light of a thousand diamonds. There is gold trimmed white furniture in the room, spread perfectly, everything symmetrical to something. There are also art pieces in gold trimmed frames on the white walls

  But the artwork is white. Everything else is white.

  Stark white walls.

  There’s a comfortable looking white couch with beautiful white fluffy throw pillows.

  There are white roses in a beautiful crystal vase at the center of the glass table.

  The tiles beneath my bare feet are also white and as I look up to take in more of the room, it seems to shift and now, I’m standing in front of a wall of mirrors with my reflection staring back at me with a jarring clarity that makes my heart race.

  As I stare at my reflection, a small gasp escapes my lips, then a small smile flits across my face as I gaze at myself in the mirror.

  I’m dressed in Nancy’s tutu, the one she was wearing when she shook the ballet world and was named Prima Ballerina in Paris and right now, I look just like her.

  From the way my hair is pinned up in an elegant up-do, to my rosy cheeks, dusty blue eyeshadow that matches with the dress to the red lipstick—it’s the very look Nancy had that day and God, I must have stared at the images and watched the videos more times than I can remember and now, in this moment, I look just like her.

  But no… Julian burnt that dress right in front of my eyes. This isn’t real.

  As soon as I realize that, everything changes in a split second as red starts seeping out of nowhere.

  It drips down the walls, the thickness and scent so overpowering to my senses that for a moment I’m stunned, frozen in place as it slowly starts covers every white surface in the room.

  Taking a closer look, I realize what it is and my heart stops beating. It’s blood!

  Thick, fresh blood seeps into the room, slowly at first, covering the surfaces, then it seems to start flooding into the room, pooling at my feet.

  “No,” I gasp, looking around frantically.

  Where is all this blood coming from? The stench alone makes me gag. I frantically grip the dress I’m wearing but as soon as I touch it, a warm, sticky substance covers my palms.

  Slowly, I look down at myself and I see blood.

  My feet, legs, the dress, my hands and now my arms are all covered in blood.

  No.

  What’s happening?

  I start clawing at my chest, feeling like I’m suffocating. I need to get out of here. It’s like I’m going to drown in a room full of blood.

  “You did this,” a voice says making me scream. Turning around, I see my mother—no, she’s not your mother anymore. I see Nancy. She’s wearing a thin white hospital gown… which is also covered in blood. “You di
d this to me.”

  “No, I…” I whisper, but she stares at me with a blank stare, chilling me to the core.

  “You killed me. You have my blood on your hands.”

  I shake my head, tears now running down my face but when I look up at the mirror, I see trails of blood running down my cheeks instead.

  Jesus. What is this?

  Fear grips me by the throat. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest. I want to scream.

  I want to apologize. I want something to happen so she can stop looking at me like that, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out, like my voice is also drowning in blood.

  “No, I…” I stutter, unable to string a sentence that makes sense as the blood pours even faster.

  “You let me die,” she accuses but her words feel like arrows shooting straight for my heart. Oh God, what did I do?

  “I’m sorry, Mom, I…”

  “I’m not your mother. No one would ever want to be your mother.”

  Pain—sharp, intense, and unbearable, slams into me like a freight train just ran over me.

  “You don’t mean that,” I cry. Surely, she doesn’t mean that.

  “She does,” a new voice says, and I spin around only to see Nicky standing there, a sly smile on her face. “I never wanted you. Now, no one wants you.”

  No.

  “Those boys you fell for, thinking they genuinely cared for you, well they were only using you.”

  No.

  “They care for me!” I cry, tears of blood running down my face. “They love—”

  “They don’t love you.” Nicky sneers, cutting me off. “You were their mission all along.”

  I shudder as my heart starts cracking in my chest bit by bit, each word a perfect blow.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  Both of them start laughing but it’s not the belly laughs I grew up hearing in our house—wait, when last did I hear either of them laugh?

  “Foolish girl,” Nicky seethes. “Since when have you been this naïve and foolish? Since that boy hate fucked you and took your virginity?”

  I shake my head, eyes wide as I take several steps back, but I slip and fall face down into the warm blood on the floor.

  My God…

  Warm, thick blood covers my face, fighting to push into my mouth like it wants me to choke on it. I feel like I’m about to have a coronary, feeling the blood clinging to my face, every inch of it now covering my body.

  “No one wants you,” Nancy repeats. I don’t know how but she’s now close to me.

  “You deserve to suffer. You deserve to be swallowed by the darkness. Why fight it? Give in already, no one will miss you.”

  “You’re wrong…” I gasp, but it feels like I’m suffocating. My chest is tight and heavy. I start clawing at my chest again.

  This has to stop. Please someone make it stop.

  “You’re the cause of all this death,” Nancy says, as more blood starts gurgling out of her mouth. “You did this.”

  “Aiden died because of you,” Nicky says.

  Aiden? I didn’t…

  “No, he was sick…” I rush to explain, but Nicky goes on as if I didn’t speak at all.

  “And now, the woman who took pity on you, took you in, died as you watched. You did nothing.”

  No, I tried to do something, I want to scream but I freeze as the chilling reality of what I did becomes clear.

  “No one likes you. You don’t even have friends.”

  I shake my head even more. Tears blinding my eyes. I can’t see anymore. The red and dark spots blending together until it feels like an abyss.

  Make it stop.

  “You have no one.”

  Surely, they’re wrong. I have someone. There’s someone out there in my corner.

  “You did this.”

  No…

  “You’re an evil, ruinous mistake,” Nicky seethes. “Nicky was right to throw you away.”

  Please stop!

  “Nathan never wanted to father you.”

  No.

  “Just let go…”

  I scream and the next thing I know, Nicky and Nancy are gone. I’m back in the small hotel room I’ve been hiding in since I ran from home since the night it all happened.

  The room is dark, empty and cold, like my heart, but the nightmare seems to have bled out into this very room and at the realization of that, I can’t breathe.

  That weight on my chest, is back.

  That suffocating feeling, it’s back as well.

  That sense of drowning over and over again? It also comes back until I start clawing at my chest, this time with a viciousness that rivals a wounded animal.

  Panting for breath, I frantically kick the sweat coated sheets that seem to hold me back, imprisoning me to the bed.

  You don’t have a home.

  The voices are back again, whispering viciously, rattling around in my mind and suddenly, the blood is back. It’s everywhere again.

  Nicky and Nancy are back, their voices whispering hotly in my ear until I drop from the bed. There’s a low buzzing sound coming from somewhere that won’t stop.

  No one loves you.

  No.

  You’re the reason behind everything.

  Then, a pair of beautiful green eyes flash before me, making my heart stop. Time stops. The rushing of blood in my veins, stops. Everything in me seems to freeze when I see those eyes.

  I know him. He’s someone to me. Who is he?

  His name is right there on the tip of my tongue but I can’t say it for some reason, until…

  “Julian,” I gasp his name like a litany, like it’s my last resolve, my last salvation, falling off my lips, but just as quickly, the green disappears until the beautiful eyes are almost black, swirling with so much hate…directed at me.

  “No!”

  I start clawing at my chest faster and faster, but nothing happens. I try to stand up, but I can’t, so I start crawling, the bristles of the carpet biting into my flesh but I keep going. It’s all I have now as the voices follow me. Taunting me. Ridiculing me.

  “I’m a shell of a person right now, because of you!”

  Did he say that to me? Why was he in so much pain? Did I do that too?

  Yes, you did! You destroy everything you touch and everyone who so much as gets close to you.

  “Please stop. Please,” I beg over and over again, but the harsh voice only grows louder.

  I have to get out of here. I start crawling faster, tripping in the dark, smashing my shoulder into something but I bite down on the pain and keep crawling, the need to escape so intense, it’s literally swallowing me whole at this point. I need to answer it right now.

  I’m the evil.

  I’m the problem here.

  I hurt people.

  “Your heart is already corroded, empty, rotten.”

  He was right. I’m rotten.

  I’m not wanted.

  I need to go.

  I crawl faster but I slam into something. An object comes crushing down right beside me. Suddenly, the floor is wet. Something that looks a lot like the white roses I saw, are now scattered, mixed with the wetness.

  I move to crawl again, but I feel a sharp sensation, then… a bit of release.

  I freeze.

  The release was so sweet, so sudden, it eased the pressure in my chest. I want more of that. There’s peace in that.

  I look down and the wetness is now thick, which only means one thing. The blood is back.

  Make it stop. Oh God, please make it stop! It’s just too much blood.

  Just give in.

  I grab the bigger sharp pieces in the water. It has a sharp edge and with that, I start applying pressure until I feel peace.

  Over and over, the tightness in my chest starts loosening, the pressure fading away like a sweet release that chases away the nightmares that I don’t understand and those that feed my guilt.

  Yes.

  “Surrender, baby girl.
No one wants you here.”

  Yes, Mom. But wait, who is my mom?

  Darkness skirts at the edges of my vision. Suddenly, nothing matters anymore. Everything is pointless, foamless, unimportant.

  Is peace dark? I don’t care, this is good enough.

  At least there’s nothing here. Not even a pair of smoldering, intense green eyes that melt my insides.

  2

  The night Nancy died

  “Mia, where the fuck are you?”

  Second voice message from the number…

  “This is my second fucking message, Mia. Pick up your damn phone.”

  Third voice message from the number…

  “Mia, I swear to God, if you don’t get back here to me…”

  Fourth voice message from the number…

  “Damn you and your stubbornness, Mia, this isn’t the time to play childish games that you won’t win. Stop this right now and get back here to me. We need to fucking talk.”

  Each message is angrier than the last, making shivers race down my spine as I listen to his low, angry voice, but still, I press the damn thing to my ear, pretending like he’s physically close to me. I listen to the fifth message with my heart in my throat.

  “I’m losing my fucking mind. If you’re going to be a bitch and a coward at the same time, at least find those steel balls of yours and tell me to my fucking face!”

  I don’t know if it’s the sound of his voice with the familiar dark notes that express his hate for me, or if it’s the threats themselves, but whatever it is, it makes the blood in my veins rush hot, my heart starts beating furiously as if it wants out of my damn chest.

  Since the day I met him in that damn hospital hallway, Julian has always had the ability to make my heart ache with shitty emotions that I never asked for.

  And my God, I never asked for any of this.

  I never asked to want him with a burning urgency like this, it feels like I’ll go up in flames if he doesn’t look at me, let alone kiss me.

  I never asked to be caught in this intricate, shitty web of lies and deceit like I am now, I can’t tell what’s real or what’s a nightmare anymore. It all bleeds the same hot, gushing blood that covers my hands, my body, my soul…